This is an excerpt from my book, "Healing Through Awakening," which chronicles my healing journey through a series of spiritual awakening experiences.
....Though I had dissolved much of my ego, I began to notice that my awakening process was very much like a swinging pendulum; some moments I would experience profound feelings of connection, while other moments I would revert back to old patterns, experiencing limitation or fear. I could feel that there was still stuck emotional energy within me that wanted to be released, and so I continued to search for ways to allow this healing to occur. Two powerful techniques I discovered for this purpose were movement and visualization.
I joined a group called "Authentic Movement," a somatic practice created by Mary Starks Whitehouse in the 1950s. The practice involves sitting in a room with a handful of other people in silence. As the participants stay aware of their inner mind-body connection, they begin to move spontaneously, based on intuitive guidance from within. The participants move freely through the space without guidance or facilitation, expressing sounds and movements as they arise. The format is incredibly simple, but allows for powerful emotional releases to occur. By tuning into your body, and physically moving the body in a meditative state, it becomes easier to drop the analytical mind, and can allow for repressed emotional energy being held in the body to surface.
During my first session I spontaneously began crying, feeling deep sadness and grief that seemed to come out of nowhere. The quality of the sadness did not seem connected to my life, but rather, felt as though I was tuning into the greater collective unconsciousness, allowing myself the opportunity to process some of the pain for all of humanity. The process felt tremendously cathartic and healing.
One of the most healing movements that I often found myself repeating was the act of crumpling up into a ball on the floor, sobbing and feeling intense grief, and then rising up to my feet, extending my arms up towards the sky, feeling relief, joy, and lightness. It was such an amazing contrasting experience that seemed to mirror the cycles of death and rebirth. Over the course of the months that I participated in this weekly group, I would often repeat this movement, among others, sobbing and experiencing alternating feelings of grief and joy.
Another powerfully healing movement modality is free-form dance. This style of movement is more than just dancing, it's a way of relearning how to be in your body, giving yourself permission to really be you. There are many different names for free-form dance: Ecstatic Dance, 5 Rhythms, and Soul Motion, to name a few. Free-form dance has been a significant part of my healing journey, allowing me to reclaim much of my life energy and inner fire.
During this time I also found myself gravitating towards the process of visualization to facilitate in my healing, and so I sought out a counselor to guide me through the process. I found a counselor-in-training through a university master’s program for counseling. It actually seemed to suit my purposes to find someone with limited experience, which provided a level of openness and spontaneity on the part of my counselor. I was feeling guided to go back into my past and heal emotional wounds that were still present within me. The first visualization I underwent involved going back to visit myself as a child, standing in the front yard of the house where I grew up. The memory was from the day I found out that my father had died in a car accident.
In my visualization I approached this “child” version of myself and picked him up, giving him a hug and feeling compassion and love for this part of myself. As I did, my “child” self dissolved into my heart, and I stood there in the visualization holding myself. Then something began to happen that I hadn’t planned on for the visualization. I started sinking into the sidewalk, and as I did I was enveloped in a womb of earth, and continued to sink down into a huge underground cavern filled with turquoise water. As I lowered into the water I felt my body begin to vibrate very strongly. The vibration continued to grow in intensity, and my body began shaking and trembling. The vibration felt immensely good, but also somewhat frightening and overwhelming, as in the back of my mind I had the awareness that I was tapping into some powerful energy source that I didn’t yet understand (which felt similar to the kundalini energy that had arisen in my body a year earlier).
I began to moan and sob as the energy moved through me. Though I was crying, the energy also felt deeply purifying and healing. It was at this moment that my counselor interrupted the session due to his own discomfort. Upon coming out of the visualization I saw a look of concern on his face, and with a shaky voice he expressed to me that he had started to feel strange during the visualization. He described feeling a vibration in his body, starting in his feet, and then moving up his spine. He said it got so strong that he had to interrupt the session.
When we hugged goodbye, I noticed that the back of his shirt was drenched in sweat. It seemed that during the session we had tapped into a form of energy that had begun flowing into the surrounding environment, as well as into my counselor. In our following sessions, we continued to explore the power of intuitively guided visualizations, yet I never fully allowed myself to go as deep as I had the first time due to my awareness of my counselor’s anxiety about the process.
This led me to explore the process on my own. I would often sit in a meditative state alone in my room, allowing myself to go deep into my imagination, following the flow of the visualization process. It was an incredible experience that often led me into the most beautiful and vivid imagery in my mind. I was able to connect with spirit-guides, angels, and receive information about my Soul’s path for this lifetime. These visualizations often ended in a specific environment (similar to the cavern with the turquoise water) where I would become filled with energy, and once again feel that intense vibration in my body. This energy seemed to be harmonizing my mind, emotions, and body, healing my being at a deep level.
The experience I just described was my first foray into consciously channeling energy. I also began noticing a similar phenomenon during my counseling sessions, and in conversations with people (particularly when talking about spirituality). I would often enter into the most beautiful lucid state of flow, whereas my body would fill with the same vibrating energy that I experienced in the visualization process (to a lesser degree, however). My mind would become very still, and I would find myself just speaking without thinking at all. Information would come through that often surprised me, hearing myself say things in such a way that I knew I was also learning during the process.
I've found that I have abundant energy in the channeling state, and feel such a deep sense of purpose and meaning while engaging in this form of connection with others. Opening yourself up to becoming a channel also increases your sensitivity to the thoughts and emotions of others. One counseling session, in particular, stands out as a moment where I realized just how powerful this transference of energy could be.....To Be Continued.
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