holistic counseling for greater intimacy
Relationships can be the source of some of the greatest joy and contentment, as well as the source of intense frustration, anger, and anxiety. Why do some relationships work well, and others not so well?
Fortunately, there has been a lot of research conducted on relationships in the past few decades, with some pretty interesting results. What the research shows is that by maintaining some pretty simple habits in relationship, it can help transform some of the nastiest relationship dynamics into positive ones. In this article I will outline some of the basic foundational elements of cultivating a lasting positive relationship. These are techniques that I often utilize in the Online Video couples counseling work that I do.
1. Knock it Off
Simply put, there are a few behaviors that just don't do anyone any good, and partners have to find a way to eliminate them from their repertoire. Complaining, criticizing, blaming, and being defensive, for instance, are all likely to contribute to creating an environment of negativity and frustration. Stonewalling is another destructive pattern, which is when one partner emotionally withdraws during conflict. Rather than continuing to work out the problem, the person emotionally shuts down, and will either concede to their partners demands out of resignation, or just become cold and withdrawn. This may work in the short term to alleviate the pressures of the problem, but ultimately it builds resentment in the partner who is stonewalling, and at some point that dam is likely to burst. So the first step to strengthening any relationship is to stop undermining the connection through these destructive behaviors. This is often what I focus on during the first few sessions of couples counseling.
2. Build it Up
Conversely, putting energy into positive, nourishing, and uplifting interactions holds the key to long-lasting positive relationships. A few key ingredients to building-up the relationship are; genuine interest in the other's life and wellbeing, admiration and affection, and being sensitive to the other's needs. This may sound simple, yet there is a world of subtly to the process of nourishing a relationship. There are many techniques that couples can employ, however, such as practicing gratitude and appreciation for each other every day. The idea is to consciously introduce more appreciation throughout the day in the form of compliments, communicating what you are grateful for about the other, and simply saying "thank you" when your partner washes the dishes or takes out the trash. This is often the most rewarding part of couples counseling work, and it is surprisingly natural and even a relief for people to start practicing more gratitude and appreciation.
3. Communication
Good communication skills are essential for creating greater trust, intimacy, and connection between partners. Communication styles such as Non Violent Communication (NVC) can work wonders for changing the dynamic between people. What NVC attempts to do is build compassion and empathy between people by simplifying the process of communication down to four steps: 1) observations, 2) feelings, 3) needs, and 4) requests. When we are in tune with what we are observing, feeling, and needing, we can make appropriate and tangible requests to our partner. Clear and authentic communication works wonders for disarming your own ego, as well as the ego's of others. When our language is neutral and non-accusal, it promotes compassion in others, and opens the door for deeper investigation into a topic.
4. Self-Awareness and Needs
How can you show up for your partner and everything that they need from the relationship, if you still haven't uncovered your own needs. Some basic human needs are; to live in an environment that you feel safe and comfortable, to have a social network of some kind, to belong to some type of community, and to do work that feels meaningful and purposeful. When these basic needs are not being met in our lives, we often feel discontent, or empty in some way. How can you fully empathize and support your partner in getting his or her needs met, if you have yet to acknowledge the deficits in your own life. This doesn't mean that you need to have the perfect life before you are ready to be in a relationship, you only need to have a willingness to move in the direction of honoring yourself and your needs to a higher degree. By honoring yourself and your own needs, you will naturally have an open heart, and a willingness to support your partner in getting his or her needs met more fully.
By making some simple adjustments in relationship, we can radically improve the quality of our interactions with our partners. Not only do these principles apply to romantic relationship, but they can also be effective for any dynamic where greater trust and harmony are desired.
Mica Akullian is a holistic counselor who offers couples counseling and marriage therapy