This is my take on Marshal Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication model...A chapter from my recent publication, "Healing Through Awakening." I use these techniques, along with the teachings of Eckhart Tolle on dissolving the ego to help people heal, and improve the quality of their relationships.
Heart Centered Communication
There is an art form to communicating from your heart in a way that promotes empathy within yourself and others. This is a simple technique based on a technique created by Marshal Rosenberg in the 1970s called "Non-Violent Communication." Rosenberg worked with prison inmates, observing that almost all conflict arose from miscommunication and misunderstandings between people. By learning to communicate in a clear and straight forward way, it opens up the channels for greater empathy and understanding. In the process outlined below I use the same general format that Rosenberg originally created, but have modified it slightly in order to make it more appropriate for those on the spiritual path.
There are essentially four steps to the process: 1) Observations, 2) Feelings, 3) Needs, and 4) Requests. Whenever any conflict arises between you and another person, you can use this process to resolve the issue in a peaceful way. Before you even begin the process, however, be sure to bring your attention to your heart, relax your body, and feel your breath. Once you have found your center, begin the first step.
1) Observation
The first step is to clearly identify what has just occurred that resulted in conflict or tension between yourself and another, and then express this observation to the other person. When making your observation be sure to stick to the facts, stating exactly what you noticed, rather than making accusations. Be objective and unbiased, as though you were a detective at the scene of a crime, keeping your observations simple and straightforward. One or two sentences will usually be sufficient.
Lets use the example of a romantic relationship where one person felt hurt by the comments of the other person. When stating what you observed, avoid biased interpretation such as, "you were being totally mean to me today like you always do." Instead, say something like, "I noticed that you called me lazy today while we were cleaning the house." Be as specific as possible, using non-dramatic language, and avoid using absolutes such as "always," "never," "completely," or "totally."
Before stating your observation it can be helpful to review the preceding event in your memory to see whether or not you may be holding some bias or emotional charge towards the event. Be honest in your assessment, taking responsibility for where your own ego may be clouding your perceptions of the situation. It helps to speak slowly and deliberately, choosing your words precisely and consciously. Once you have stated your observation, take a moment to breathe, relax, and bring your attention to your heart before moving on to the next step.
2) Feelings
Now is the moment to tune into how you feel. While Rosenberg uses many feeling descriptors, I have found that the negative emotions associated with most conflict can be distilled down to essentially five feelings; either sad, afraid, hurt, confused, or uncomfortable. These feelings are easily identifiable for most people, with the exception of the last descriptor, which has a bit more nuance than the others. The last feeling of "uncomfortable," would be the feeling of when an experience does not resonate with your personal Truth, or does not feel in alignment with what is right for you in that moment. An example might be someone repeatedly hitting on you at a social gathering. At a certain point it may be necessary to tell that person that you feel uncomfortable with their behavior.
Take a moment to notice which of these five feelings you experienced during the conflict, and then use an "I" statement to communicate this to the other person. Perhaps you felt two of the five feelings. Continuing with the previous example, it might sound something like, "I felt hurt and confused when you called me lazy."
Ideally, you will have already connected to your heart, relaxed your body, and dissolved any inner negativity before communicating how you felt, and so you will be speaking peacefully and compassionately. However, we are human, and this is not a perfect process. Work to find your inner peace, but don't discount your need to express yourself or address conflict in situations even when you may still be feeling emotional. If, however, your emotional reaction continues to escalate during the interaction, then it is imperative that you give yourself time to calm down. Focus on your breath, feel your heart, and relax. You may need to remove yourself from the situation in order to calm down. If this is the case, simply explain that you need some personal space, and would prefer to talk about it at a later time.
When speaking your feelings, keep it simple. One or two sentences will usually suffice. Oftentimes, the more succinct and straightforward your statements are regarding how you feel, the more powerful your words will be. Once you have communicated how you feel, return your attention to your breath and your heart, relax your body, and move on to the next step.
3) Needs
Your "needs" are what you require in order to continue relating or working with the other person in a healthy and harmonious way. This is another area in which I depart from Rosenberg's technique. I have found that many of the needs people believe they have are actually artificial needs stemming from the ego. To express an ego need to another person will potentially perpetuate codependency rather than ameliorate it, and so it is wise to be very discerning in how you identify your needs. Honestly ask yourself what you need in a moment of negativity or conflict. Likely you need to feel safe, connected, and ultimately, you need to find your own center, your own source of love within (which cannot be provided to you by anyone else). Many times your need will simply be, "I need to feel safe," or, "I need to feel loved."
Oftentimes it can seem like you need another person to meet your need if you are to feel love within. In the example of being called a name by your partner, you may be tempted to say "I need you to stop calling me names," or, "I need you to respect me." Though these can feel like legitimate needs, they often arise from a place of defensiveness and ego. The more you can keep the focus on your needs, irrespective of the other person's behavior, the more empowering this style of communication will be.
To work towards the goal of self-empowerment, then, ask yourself what it is that you truly need in the moment to continue creating a positive experience for yourself. "I need to know that I am in a respectful relationship," "I need to feel like I can trust the people that I am close with." This is a subtle distinction in wording, and yet profound in how you conceptualize your healing process, as well as your intentions for moving forward in your life as an energetically autonomous person. You are acknowledging what you need for yourself in your life, rather than what you need from another person.
4) Requests
The last step of the process is to make a request. This step is not always necessary, however. In situations of an interpersonal nature, for instance, simply expressing your observation, feeling, and need will be sufficient. Allow the other person to come to their own conclusion about how to move forward, rather than trying to influence them in some way; "will you agree not to call me names anymore?" There is nothing wrong with making this kind of request, and it is absolutely a legitimate approach. However, it can easily lead into codependency when you start making requests that infringe on another person's free will or self expression. Allow another person to make their own decisions about how they treat the people in their life. The purpose of this style of communication is to empower you through identifying and expressing your feelings and needs, rather than as a means for trying to influence or change another person.
In situations of a logistical nature, however, such as how to coordinate the completion of tasks between people, or the specifics of living or working with another person, it can be very helpful to express requests in concrete terms; "will you communicate to me beforehand when you change your plans?" "Can you make sure to always lock the door when you leave the house?" These kinds of requests are practical in nature, let the other person know exactly what you need, and are usually necessary to keep life flowing smoothly for all parties involved.
When expressing your requests to another person, it is important not to expect the other person to actually meet your request in any way. When you expect others to fulfill your needs, it opens the door for codependency, and ultimately, disempowers you from stepping more fully into your own power and truth. If another person happens to help you get what you need, than it is a wonderful blessing, but never something that should be expected from another. Though this may sound contradictory, the idea is that the purpose of expressing your request is simply to empower yourself (irrespective of whether you actually get your needs met), as a way to help you identify your truth, and then to voice it. Simply by stating your needs and requests, you send a powerful message to the Universe that your needs are important in your life.
Drop expectations of others, and watch as the Universe begins to arrange the circumstances of your life so that you have the opportunity to get your needs met, often in unexpected ways. You must be an active co-creator in this process, however, taking the opportunities when they arise, which may mean letting go of certain relationships or circumstances in your life in which your needs were not previously being met. Every time you identify a need and express it (without trying to hold others accountable for meeting your needs, or having attachment to getting your needs met in specific ways), you are learning to consciously co-create with the greater Universal Intelligence.
So the completed phrase to express from our previous example might be, "I noticed that you called me lazy while we were cleaning the house. I felt hurt and confused when you called me lazy. I need to know that I am in a respectful relationship, and that I can trust those who are close to me." When speaking, take deep slow breaths, feel your heart, and relax. If the other person becomes defensive, or accuses you of being too sensitive, do the process again, "I hear that you think I'm being too sensitive. I feel hurt by this comment. I need to know that my partner honors my feelings." Stick to the process no matter how emotional or upset another person might become.
This model of communication is what I use with clients, individual and couples counseling clients, whereas I utilize holistic counseling principles to help people heal and improve the quality of their relationships.